Relapse (arrrggghhhh)

On Thursday everything was going fine. I discovered something about my juicing and felt like I had a minor break through. I made my juices a bit different. Instead of a celery/lettuce/parsley/ginger/apple/carrot/spinach juice I broke them up into smaller numbers of ingredients. Celery/apple - which is sweet and salty. Lettuce/apple/carrot - green and sweet. Apple/carrot/ginger - sweet and spicy. I made my four quarts and was ready for the day.

We (V. and I) left for Anaheim Thursday night from Bakersfield. I had a campus meeting and so we took the Grapevine to the LA basin. I kept one quart to drink that night. I had researched juice places down that way and thought I had everything covered.

Friday we had a meeting with a priest/write friend of V's at 7am - we met at the Starbucks. I had anticipated the meeting and drank some hot tea (Calm) and was fine. V took off after that for a session at the conference that we were at and I headed to Cancun Juice for some fresh juice. They had several options and I picked two - one a tomato concoction tom/carrot/celery/beet/spinach/cucumber/parsley and lime - it was good and red and tasted like v-8. The other was called the Popeye (spinach/orange/pineapple/banana and more spinach. It was rather foamy and even though I asked the not to put a banana in - it tasted like it had banana. it was also surprisingly thick but I didn't think anything of it until later. I think I was a bit unsure mainly because there was a language barrier between me and the order person - I wasn't sure exactly what I was getting.

Later in the day I started worrying that the tom juice might have had some caned juice in it and my mind wouldn't let that go. Plus I could tell V was disappointed that we wouldn't be eating out together because I'm doing this juice thing and she isn't. The kids were also going to be around and they were excited about going out to eat. Around 6pm I took V with me to the Cancun place to get 2 more quarts of juice. I had her ask if all the veggies were fresh and they insisted they were (they are) . So we sat as they made my next two quarts of juice. But then I saw why the morning's juice was a bit thick. Some of the veggies (mostly the carrots and apples) they put through a juicer - the rest they blended in a blend-tek blender. So I was getting everything - fiber and all. It threw me for a loop. I was more than what I was supposed to be drinking. And unfortunately I spun out a bit. The only other juice place near where we were staying (that I had found) was a Robecks - but it was closed for a few months for some unknown reason. There was a Jamba at Downtown Disney but I was not excited about drinking a gallon of carrot juice a day.

Basically my defenses came down and we all V and I and the kids (well 3 of the 4) ended up at the Cheesecake factory and I had guacamole and some fried avocado egg rolls (although I could not finish them). My goal was to find somewhere else that night and be ready in the morning.

Saturday I started with 32oz of master cleanse (water/lemon juice/cayenne pepper and MSM) - went to my first session and then walked down to the Jamba (much further than I thought it would be) had 32 oz of pure carrot juice and a 2oz shot of wheat grass. Later that day drove over to a "Juice it Up" - it had on it's menu some variety. Unfortunately it was closed like the Robecks. It's starting to feel like a conspiracy. That night I end up eating sushi and then a vegan burger at the Rain forrest Cafe (another oxymoron in its self). My self -esteem is lower than low and my body is screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME!!!"

Of course I don't listen and Sunday (today) I eat two muffins of unknown content and origin and then proceed to eat every evil food I can find. I'm like on some kind of scavenger hunt to eat any crappy food I can find: Pringles, white rice with teriyaki stir-fry, chocolate in many forms, store bough chocolate chip cookies, M and Ms (not- vegan) and many other horrors. My digestive system has given up and moved to another state and left no forwarding address. As I write this my mouth swims with the juices of Cadberry mini-eggs that i found hidden in a kitchen cabinet. I figure after tonight I'm going back to the juice and might as well lose all self respect tonight while I can.

To say I am disappointed in myself would be an understatement. I am bummed and depressed and a little bit defiant. I'm on sugar high and waiting to crash. And I look forward to starting back on the feast in the morning.

If there are any lessons that I have learned - they are these:

1. I have definite food issues. Even after 11 days of feasting it did not take much to get right back to bad habits
2. I did feel better on the feast that I realized (I feel like crap right now)
3. I didn't go back to caffeine which is the only blessing of this whole ordeal
4. My resolve is renewed tonight - I hope it is the same in the morning
5. We live in a culture that encourages us to eat horrifically

I have my veggies for the morning. I am preparing for next weekend when I'll be in Palm Springs - either I will have a juice source or I'm bring the juicer with me.

Wish me luck.